Take me back

Oh how I wish I could go back in time.
Whenever someone asks me where I would go had I one chance to go back in time, I always say to when I was 13. At age 13 I had mild acne and didn’t have very much self esteem. It was between 8th grade and my freshman year that I met the first guy to call me beautiful.

In retrospect, I always ask myself the same question “What was I thinking?” he wasn’t even that great, in fact he still isn’t that great. I was so consumed by the pet names and being called beautiful, I was totally convinced that he was the guy I was going to marry.

Poor. Naive. Stupid. Girl.

I fess up, but the point I’m trying to make is if I didn’t make those stupid decisions back then, I wouldn’t have the piled on regrets I have now as a result of what I gave away to that first guy as a preteen. It went from one thing to another,

A thing I also struggled with was wanting to be part of what everyone else was doing. I found myself wanting  to be involved in drama just so I could say I had friends to have drama with. These days, once again I say “What was I thinking?” I now have a terrible reputation and there are a handful of people who don’t like me or the way I act simply because of what they have heard about me or wrongly perceived. It is no ones fault but my own and as much as I’d like to blame them for not knowing the real me, the reality is that it’s all my fault. I had such an inconsistent personality that people didn’t know what to make of me, all they could do was make up who they thought I was. 

I don’t know how to undo it, and since I am almost done with high school, I am 100% positive that I can’t undo it. I can’t take back my actions or words, nor can I change the minds of people because as far as anyone knows; that once you have figured out what you think about someone, it rarely changes.

I wish, more than anything I could change people’s minds. Now that I am truly confident in who I am, I am positive that no one would be disappointed with my personality because I don’t have anything negative to say most of the time.I care about everyone sincerely, I won’t betray confidence, and I am easy to please so no one would have to worry about me being bored or anything.

The most important thing is to look forward. As it says in Isaiah 43:18 to Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.