Life is more than the flexing of your lungs or the beating of your heart, it's the events that fill up your glass. I am about to graduate high school, and while some people don't think it's a big deal or they're over it, I on the other hand am so excited to receive that Diploma that I've worked so hard for.
This got me thinking...
Life goes by so quick, it's ridiculous!
When I was in kindergarten, I remember being so excited to start school! I was upset when my school put me in afternoon class and I'd sit on my couch looking out my window until my Mom brought me across the street to my kindergarten class. I loved school, and as if 4 years old wasn't soon enough- I couldn't wait to attend every single day. I even walked across the street and tried sitting in the morning class, I loved school so much!
In first grade, I started out in California- I don't remember much of that, but I do remember moving to Idaho. I went to Eagle Elementary School. I remember my teacher's name was Mrs. Toliver. I didn't like her; she was skinny and old, I also remember she had a funny hair cut. This is also when I met my first Best Friend- Elizabeth.
Second grade, I moved to Boise to attend Trail Wind Elementary school, my teacher- Mrs. Johnson was the greatest! I remember she tricked us into thinking we'd have a different teacher for the last 2 weeks of school. She really meant we were doing a cool thing called Apple Valley. Way fun!
In the third grade, my Mom attempted to Homeschool me when we moved to a different part of Boise. When that didn't work out, we moved back to where we used to be and I was the new student at Trail Wind all over again! Only this time, I thought I was SO COOL I literally sat in my desk like I was a gangster and when I took my AR test to find out my reading level, I sat back and pushed A-enter, A-enter, over and over. For some reason, I wanted to be in a lower reading level then I knew I was.
Fourth and Fifth grade were the years when I was tested as a person. I learned what it was like to care about nothing else but fitting in. I developed crushes on boys, and I had the weirdest style- EVER!
We moved, yet again, this time to Caldwell- where I have been ever since. My sixth grade year I was Homeschooled and in 7th I started at Syringa Middle School. The essential purpose was for me to be a light- to share Jesus and to be the "good Christian girl", that all changed when I learned what it was like to be judged and rejected by my peers. I remember the first time I heard a cuss word, my ears burned! I was not used to that environment. Before I knew it, I was compromising who I was as well as my beliefs in order to make friends.
People in Middle School were MEAN to me. When I got acne on my face, even my "friends" were jerks. I didn't know what else to do-- I had to be someone I wasn't because no one would accept me for who I really was, a pizza face.
I never smiled.
My back arched.
I didn't think I was allowed to be myself, in fear of being made fun of or hurt. In all reality, it never stopped.
When High School began, I went into my Freshman year being totally obsessed with a boy. My focus was already on the wrong things and acne still infected my face. I saw no way out of the chains of insecurities so I did things like make fake Myspace profiles. I hid behind a pretty face because I literally felt like NO ONE! Needless to say, this didn't help either because when people found out it was me, it only gave them another reason to make fun of me, as well as call me fake.
There was no way to un-do the horrible harassment I went through, the only door out I could see was more compromise. I started going to parties; I thought that if I was doing what everyone else was doing that people would stop being so mean! Once again, it didn't work. It only gave people another reason to give me a hard time.
Over my Freshman and Sophomore years I let my heart become a callus, it was so hard that I started to not care what anyone thought, but at the same time I developed this horrible reputation for being a "b*tch" so I went from pizza face, to fake, to a hypocrite, to a b-word. AWESOME HUH!?
As you're reading this, I'm sure your first thought would be that I am complaining about everyone else's shallow-ness. Don't get me wrong, the people at my school are incredibly shallow. But, in all of this, I FOUND MYSELF. Through the compromise, the faking, and the disapproval. I learned that if I was just myself from the beginning, people wouldn't reject me.
I learned who I was and I learned that people can tell if you're being fake.
It wasn't my peers' fault, it was MY inconsistently. In my pursuit for approval, I was rejected because all people saw was fake. I do not take all the blame for the way people treated me- for NONE of them can justify their words or actions. But through all of the pain I was caused, something good did come of it and I also learned that if I looked to Jesus for my self esteem- I wouldn't have a ton of regret right now.
So: CLASS OF 2009-2011, THANK YOU- for helping me find myself.
:)
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