Coming to Terms

Lately, I have been so annoyed. All I can do is sit, I don't have friends or money to put gas in my car. I just go to school and when I am not in class, I am here...sitting. Not only do I want something to do, but I want to reach people! I am trying to figure out how I can do that while I have nothing to do. For the past few days I have been sick. I have a digestive disorder that doesn't allow me to eat sugars or starch, which is in everything not to mention, the family I am living with- starch and sugar is all they eat! So I either have to starve myself or eat unhealthy. Needless to say, I have been eating unhealthy so I don't pass out but as a result, I get very sick. 
Today, I started to feel at rock bottom. I woke up with a sore throat and headache. I am pretty much confined to my bed and I feel very useless. I don't know what to do. So I thought I would blog. Though I have little followers, I figure the only way I can reach people in my bed is through the internet. 

So I am a college student (part-time) and I have found myself with no other option but to trust God and I am loving it! Nothing has been more rewarding. The only problem is, I seem to be seeking Him only when I need help. I didn't realize this until after I had been looking for a job and got 3 interviews I stopped praying as much as I did before. I felt like poop! I couldn't believe that all my diligence and perseverance after God was really just manipulation. I couldn't believe myself, I seriously was using God. 

Today, when I came to this realization. I broke down before my Father. Tears were flowing from my frustrated face and I was in complete surrender to Him. I told Him everything I was struggling with and begged for His forgiveness. I had done Him wrong, my almighty magnificent Father who had done and is still doing so much for me. 


I read this today in His word:
22Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.

I have been so consumed with what I am eating and the clothes I put on my back. I spent a lot of time on another blog, Tumblr, where I scroll and see a lot of cute clothes! I want them all. My motivation shifted, it went from wanting to pay the people I live with rent, tithing, and practicing good stewardship to buying myself material things! I feel like this is why those employers haven't called me back, God saw that I lost the right motivation and He is waiting for me to stop being an idiot.

Now, that is just a guess, I am in no way aware or capable of understanding how my amazing God works. But until then, I am going to humble myself as much as I can, and realize that HE is God, and I am not. He sees all, I do not. He knows how much I need a job for the right reasons, but if I don't fix the wrong reasons, He won't bless me!

I am so glad I realized this. I hope now, that I can do something about it.

Praise the LORD! :)