Thoughts

Will this ever end? Seriously! Why can't I take hold of my thoughts and choke them to death? If I had 3 wishes, that would be one. I keep thinking about these stupid things and scenarios that have zero evidence. I keep looking at what people don't say, what people don't do.
I am my own worst enemy & I hate it.
On my ride to school today, I was thinking about how I missed the numb me. I struggled with not feeling anything for a couple years and I hated it. But now, I have all these unwanted and unnecessary feelings! I kind of want the numb me back. The kind that could be hurt and move on.
A certain person has helped me get my feelings back and part of me is doing all I can to un-do that. I feel like I am being annoying when if I just tossed my feelings under the rug things would be so much better. I am just scared, but then again there is another feeling. Stupid.
I am at such a loss, I want feelings when it comes to Jesus, but with nothing else. I don't want fear, embarrassment, doubt, NOTHING.
How am I going to do this? Numbness only comes from being hurt, but I keep hurting myself. I might just try and make myself numb so that whatever pain comes my way, I will not have to worry about it, I'll just get over and get myself through it because there's nothing we can do about it, right?