Disgusted with myself.

Why!? Why can't I stop screwing up? I am almost speechless because I have no other word except

WHY!!!??


 I hate myself. Constantly. I don't understand how I can possibly keep doing the same things over and over again! I am intoxicated with the feelings my downfalls leave behind, I am aware of it and know what I am doing before and during it. YET I JUST KEEP DOING IT!

It's almost as if I am outside my body.
Like I'm watching a movie that I've seen 1,000 times and still saying "NO!" even though I already know it's going to happen the same way that it did the last time I watched it!

Is it healthy to hate myself this much?